1.10.00

"..men are stupid. if you forget, they will remind you."

its sad really, seeing ur nightmare repeat itself over and over again. from one boyfriend to the next, . . . the same kind of girl getting in the picture. different face, same person inside, same intentions. . . fcuk. i just want something to go right. ONE RELATIONSHIP. is that so much to ask for? what did i ever do to deserve guys who will diss me for the next flirtatious girl friend? i get the i love yous...and they get the attention. words can only do so much...
...................

25.9.00

"...if your asking do i love you this much; baby, i do. -98*"

jealousy. it's a killer. it can make all the good people,...all the worth while relationship turn ugly.
turn smiles into endless tears
uncontrollable laughter into mind numbing screaming
the sweetest conversation into deafening silence. . .
... all it takes is a little doubt and a lil bit of that "he said-she said" bullshit.


its not fair. if i knew mark was gonna step into my life, . . . i would have never went out with those meaningless two week relationships. i would have never been hurt and i would trust him with all my heart. he wouldn't be so disappointed everytime i feel insecure about where everything is going. i adore him. but then i sit here and wonder . .. if i didn't have those relationships-would i know what to do with these feelings i have inside or the feelings he has for me? would i know if this one was a keeper? this isn't fair.
i wish i wasn't so jealous. he's so beautiful. . . and deep inside i know how he feels but i can't help it. i have so much doubts,...so much anger towards the failed relationship. i shut out everything that's real, not wanting to get hurt again but i'm hurting him. it's either i let my guard down, love him for everything i'm worth-and risk the heartbreak. or not trust him completely. . . have petty fights. . . still end in heartbreak but not as much.
. . . i wonder if someone actually gets my posts.

24.9.00

Lies, Lies, All Lies. I was never the one to have the most successful relationship. In fact, i considered myself lucky if my relationships passed a month without me gettin bored. i have this guy best friend who has been goin out with girl for over one year and a half. in the outside and from other people's perspective....its a 'must-have' relationship. and i always thought it was, too . . until recently. Turns out the girl always be crushin, and mackin it with every cute guy that looks her way. my guy friend has done his share but he stopped when the word 'love' was spoken. he stopped the silly games in the first month but she hasn't. she's still flirtin' as if the relationship she's in is still new. what is that?

doesn't she know how lucky she is? to have someone love her, so close, . . . willing to do anything and everything for her. if she;s not ready to stay true, she should just end it. or at least try and change. its just not right.

then theres this couple, ... both my best friends. theirs is trully something to look up upon. theyve been together for a whole year, inlove as ever. they feel the same amount of pain when they can't talk to each other as much as they want and when they want to,...and when they do. smiles stretch from ear to ear. he goes everywhere and anywhere just to get a glimpse of her. they love each other more everyday. . . .it's these kind of relationship that should last forever.

22.9.00

Okay, so i sit on the bleachers, fidgetting with everything in sight, anxiously awaiting my first driver's ed test score... they finnaly call my name. 50, i got a 50. haha. i will never ever see my boyfriend.as i walk back to my seat, anxious faces greets me. I tell them my score. . . the first words out of their mouth were endless questions about my boyfriend. I should have known they were not interested in the score, but my pathetic love life. i'm not complaining, *ok i am* i love my boyfriend. . . *let's call him Josh* actually, now that i think of it, they weren't asking me questions...they were almost telling me what to do.

Cheat on your boyfriend, cheat on your boyfriend. their reason: different area codes. what is that? okay, so Josh moved away. . . 2512 miles away from me. but does that justify anything i do? it's hard for me to accept that he's gone.. . but we don't want to end what we have because of the distance. i probably might not hug him or just plain have him around anytime my heart desires, but still. it does not give me the right to cheat on him. right? he's comming back to me. this is pathetic. i don't know my point.

. . . so after a few minutes of teasing me and defending myself. . . i make my way to an old friend. I figure, he loves his girlfriend and she lives far away from him. HE MUST UNDERSTAND ME! i take a seat and i pour my heart out to him, my eyes gettin glassy with each word. at first, he had an uneasy smile. . . or maybe surprised. then he took a look at me and in a comforting voice he said:"dun worry about it, they just don't know what it's like. if they were in our shoes, they would do the same thing we are doing. not cheating. and if they knew what we feel, . . they wouldn't say those things."